its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
