M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
