Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
