She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She told me I should be a condom model.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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