When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
So gin and wine won't be happening again
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I need moral support for this bender
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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