3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
