I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Will exercising make me less horny?
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