Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
