I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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