areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think your dad took our porno
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
