guys are only as good as the porn they watch
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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