saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
