wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
