I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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