I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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