I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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