After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
