Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
