I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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