Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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