it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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