The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
