at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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