I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
