I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
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I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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