i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
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I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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