Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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