The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
