The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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