Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
