Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
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Houston, we have a squirter
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
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Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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