Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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