Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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