got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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