you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
