Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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