Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
