I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
