Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
