I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Less talking, more tequila
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
