Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
