Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
These tits shall not be calmed
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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