I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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