i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
