Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
