apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
