Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
