I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
