Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere