I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
