I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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