if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
