false alarm. still invincible.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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