Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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