8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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