the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
