I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the day after is always just damage control
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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