I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
