I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
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All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
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My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Pants are for mortals
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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