Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize